


Akito's Gratitude Journal

by SunMoonAndSpoon



Category: Fruits Basket, Fruits Basket - Takaya Natsuki (Manga)
Genre: F/M, References to Canon-Typical Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:55:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25128124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunMoonAndSpoon/pseuds/SunMoonAndSpoon
Summary: After the curse breaks, Tohru suggests that Akito start keeping a gratitude journal - this fic consists of a few select entries.At first, Akito struggles to find things to be grateful for - can you really be grateful because your migraine isn't quite as terrible as it could be?But with time, she finds moments of meaning and joy, like going out for tea with Hanajima and realizing that she likes cats. She's grateful for her partner, and for the unexpected personal freedom that she finds beyond the curse.She also discovers that while some people are ready to forgive her for her past misdeeds, others aren't - and she has to learn to be okay with that, too.
Relationships: Sohma Akito/Sohma Shigure
Comments: 9
Kudos: 39





	Akito's Gratitude Journal

**Author's Note:**

> This story was originally published as part of the Good Times Furuba Zine.

**4/2**   
  
Tohru suggested that I start a gratitude journal, where I record either positive interactions that I have with others, or nice things that happen when I’m alone. She said that it was something she did to help her deal with her grief after her mother died, and she thought it could help me out post-curse. 

Her relentless positivity is nauseating, but my relentless negativity is just as bad if not worse. `   
  
As you may have guessed from the fact that I’m writing in you, I’ve decided to take her advice. I went to a local bookstore and bought a notebook with an ornate celestial pattern on the front. I plan to record the good things that happen to me. I don’t expect to be like Tohru - I wouldn’t want that even if it were possible - but I do hope to change, at least a little. 

**4/3**   
  
It’s raining and I have a migraine. I am struggling to come up with anything I should be grateful for, but if I don't start now this book is going to wind up collecting dust in my closet.   
  
I’m grateful that the purple blobs overtaking my vision aren’t so big that I can’t see past them. I’m grateful that it isn’t raining so hard that my rock garden is going to be destroyed. I’m grateful that Shigure turned off his stupid music and left me alone in the dark.    
  
All I can appreciate is the absence of pain. It’s not enough.    
  
**4/7**

Shigure made dinner for me last night. I was under the impression that he couldn’t cook, since he used to have Tohru in the kitchen every evening. He can cook well enough, but he's lazy and Yuki and Kyo were picky eaters.

The dinner was simple - curry, rice, a salad. The curry wasn't as spicy as I would have liked, but if I got what I liked, I’d vomit. He knows I have to eat the salad or I won’t be able to digest the curry, and that I need a cupful of liquid probiotics to chase the meal.    
  
I’m grateful that my partner knows how to cook for me. That he washed the dishes afterward while telling me about a concert that he wanted us to go to together. I’m grateful that after everything I put him through, he hasn't abandoned me. 

**4/17**

It’s the first time I’ve been sick since the curse broke, and it’s a nightmare. I’ve been coughing so hard that I’m worried I’m going to vomit up my own rib cage, and I feel like someone’s lit up the inside of my face with a blowtorch. Shigure has been mocking my horrible voice by pinching his nose closed, and I want to punch him, but I’ve resolved not to do that anymore.    
  
This is supposed to be a gratitude journal, but sometimes it’s impossible for me to think positively until I’ve complained. It’s like all the snot clogging my sinuses right now - until it’s gone, I can’t breathe. 

Where can I find the good in this? Is it in the fact that my illness isn't as severe as it could be? No, because it’s causing all of my chronic illnesses to flare up, and I’m bedridden. It could be worse, but I don’t think I should be grateful that I'm not literally dying. That's insulting.

Can I find the good in people? I think so. I had assumed that Hatori would give up his role as my doctor, and that I'd have to find somebody else to handle my care. When Shigure saw me paging through the phone book in an attempt to schedule an appointment, he told me he'd already called Hatori. 

That’s right - Hatori. Despite the curse being broken, Hatori still wants to be my doctor. He said that my medical history was too complex, and he didn't want to bother transferring it. We both know that if he wanted to, he would. It isn’t hard, or time consuming.   
  
Even when I reminded him that I’d deprived him of both his sight and of Kana, that I wasn’t God anymore and he could go wherever he wanted, he said that what he would do was continue to care for me. He didn’t say that he wanted to, but I didn’t need that. The gentleness of his hand sweeping my bangs from my forehead to feel for a fever was all the proof I could possibly need. 

**4/26**   
  
Tohru’s friend Saki Hanajima asked me to go out for tea with her. Actually, she's been asking me for about two weeks now, but I’ve been putting her off. 

Giving in to her request is one of the other things that Tohru suggested I do when we talked on the phone. She said she didn't want to pressure me into anything that I wasn’t comfortable with, but that Saki was a wonderful person and that I would benefit from her friendship. 

I didn’t want to poison Tohru’s friend with my presence, but I also didn’t want to disappoint Tohru. Shigure seemed to think it was a good idea too, although he stopped pushing after his suggestion that we ask Ayame to plan my outfit made me cry. I can’t ask my Zodiac for anything anymore - they have to choose to return to me.    
  
After rejecting several options, I wore a black sundress with white lightning bolts on the skirt, a lace shawl, black Doc Martens with heel inserts for my plantar fasciitis, and white sunglasses that took up half of my face. Shigure said that it wasn’t exactly what Hanajima would wear, but it was in the vicinity. Guideposts help - I have no idea what I want to look like, other than different from the old me. 

Anxiety kept me awake the night before, but I made it to the tea shop anyway. On my own, without getting lost. The sunglasses combined with my medication worked together to help me avoid another migraine. Hanajima was a few minutes late, but the sun felt good on my skin, so I didn’t mind standing outside the shop and waiting.   
  
We shared a pot of jasmine tea, and ate dainty slices of cheddar broccoli quiche. At first, we talked about mundane things like the decor of the coffee shop and the remedial classes that Hanajima had to take before she could be admitted to college. But as we were pouring our last cups to tea, she said something that surprised me.    
  


She told me about how when she was in middle school, she nearly killed somebody with her psychic powers. She said that the guilt clung to her like a perfume, that everyone else assumed she was a monster long after she’d gained control of her abilities. That her friends, Tohru and Arisa, had saved her from a lifetime of isolation and pain.    
  
“I see myself in you,” she said, clasping my hand in her own. It was warm. “You have more to make up for than I do, but I understand how hard it is, and I believe that you can do it. Tohru, Arisa and I want to help you. We want to be your friends.” 

  
I wanted to just accept her offer, but I couldn’t help feeling suspicious. I reminded her that I had stabbed Arisa’s boyfriend, and that there were plenty of other crimes she knew nothing about. “We're nothing alike - I really am a monster. I’m unforgivable."    
  
“Your actions might be unforgivable, but that doesn't mean that you are," she said. “Kureno Sohma may not want anything to do with you anymore, but you still have to go on existing. There's no reason why that has to be alone.”    
  
Her grasp tightened, then loosened when she realized the tips of my fingers were red. She said, “Let me be your friend - we’re alike, even if you don't realize it. Let Arisa be your friend - she won't let you get anyway with any nonsense. Let Tohru be your friend - she’s magic.”    
  
A lump had formed in my throat, so I couldn't say anything, but I nodded. 

**5/20**   
  


After several weeks of zero contact, Yuki wrote me a letter. I couldn’t bring myself to read it, so Shigure read it out loud while I lay in his lap with my face pressed into his thigh.    
  
The letter hurt like a punch in the stomach, but I’m still grateful for it.   
  
Yuki wrote about his life post-graduation. He’s attending college in another city, sharing an apartment with his girlfriend Machi. They don’t have space for their own garden anymore, but they joined a community garden. Yuki recommends that I take up gardening, too. It will focus me, he says, give me something to do with my hands. I’m wildly allergic to several kinds of pollen, so I initially interpreted this as an insult, but Shigure convinced me that Yuki either didn’t know or had forgotten this detail, and was simply trying to help.    
  
The next part of the letter wasn’t as kind. It described how badly I had damaged him, how living with me in that little room for years had sapped him of the will to live. How he was in therapy now, and how this letter was an assignment from his therapist.

At the end, he said that he didn’t want to see me or hear from me until he finished college, but that after he graduated and found a job, he hoped I’d let him take me out to dinner. Part of his therapy was geared toward being able to face me again, and he recommended that I see a therapist as well.    
  
As Shigure read the final words, he gathered me into his arms and kissed the tears from my face. Of course I was crying - who wouldn’t cry after hearing that a person you’d loved better than your own bones didn’t want to see you for five whole years? I'd always believed that without my Zodiac, my life is a yawning expanse of hellish emptiness.   
  
But when my weeping slowed, the sense of devastation I’d expected wasn't there. Instead, I felt grateful that Yuki was strong enough to enforce his boundaries, that he wasn’t permanently closing the door on me, and that he cared how I felt in the meantime. It would hurt not to see him until he graduated, but the pain would be worth it if one day he could face me with a smile.

Even if we never speak again, I'll endure it. Like Hanajima said, I have to go on living, regardless of who does or does not choose to forgive me.   
  
**6/3**   
  
Today while I was taking a walk, I encountered a stray cat.   
  
In the past, my response to cats would be to sneer in disgust - I thought that they were filthy beasts worthy of my deepest contempt. I would imagine Kyo as a reeking monster and try to scrub my heart of any lingering love I felt for him. Kyo was garbage, not worthy of my godly grace - but he was mine, and I adored him desperately.   
  
When I saw this cat - a chubby tuxedo cat with green eyes and a black nose - I didn’t think about Kyo right away. I didn't feel stomach-churning disgust or soul-wrenching love. I just thought about how cute the cat was. He meowed at me, and rubbed his head against my leg. I crouched down and scratched him under his chin and behind his ears. His fur was soft, if a little weatherbeaten. 

The interaction lasted for only a moment before he lost interest and jumped onto a fence, but it had been pleasant in a way that didn't feel complicated at all.    
  
It occurs to me that there are benefits to ending the curse - not just for them, but for me, too. Everything I ever experienced was filtered through it, but now I'm starting to see the world for what it is. Cats aren't monsters, they're just cats, and they're nice. 

Kyo isn't a monster and he isn’t a possession, he's just a person. I hope that one day I’ll be lucky enough to get to know him.   
  


**6/12**   
  
Kisa forgives me.  _ Kisa forgives me.  _

Sure, she’s probably too young to understand what forgiveness actually is. Sure, she’ll probably take it back in a few years when she realizes exactly how cruel I’ve been - but she said she wasn’t angry at me for hitting her. She said she wanted to visit me.    
  
At first, I wanted to have her over to the Main House. I wasn’t feeling well, and the idea of being around multiple human beings simultaneously made my skin feel like a tight, itchy sweater. But, as Shigure rightly pointed out, having her over to the Main House would make it easier for me to recreate the power dynamic that required her to forgive me in the first place.   
  
Kisa wanted me to try the crepes they made at a stand in the park. Her mother came, and so did Shigure. The two of them sipped coffee from a park bench within easy earshot, making small talk while staying alert to potential danger. I didn’t love being treated like an unhinged wild animal, but I couldn’t blame them, either. 

Nibbling on the edges of her chocolate banana crepe, Kisa told me that she didn’t want to be angry at me anymore. 

“I beat you until you were nearly unconscious,” I reminded her, staring into the cut up strawberries arranged like flowers. “I didn’t have a good reason - I couldn’t have, because there’s no possible justification for what I did to you.”    
  
“I guess not,” she said, shrugging as she wiped chocolate sauce from her face. “I was hoping if I forgave you, you might explain why you did it.” Her lip quivered as she spoke.    
  
I said, “If you truly want an explanation, I owe it to you whether you forgive me or not. But I don’t think that you really want to know, Kisa. I don’t think it will help you feel better about it.”    
  
She kept pressing, so I offered an age-appropriate explanation, one which left out many of the more unsettling details. I’m not sure if I made any sense, but I told her that I was so afraid of being abandoned that I used violence to make sure it wouldn’t happen.    
  
Kisa took my hand in hers, looked me in the eye and said, “I understand. Hiro-kun does something kind of like that, too. He’s afraid other people won't like him, so he says mean things to them before they can make up their minds on their own. It helps him feel like he’s in control.”   
  
I’m not sure that this is an accurate description of my motives, or of Hiro’s, but I was so moved that she would compare me to her favorite person in the world that I threw my arms around her impulsively, dropping my crepe in the process. She hugged me back, and we both just sat there weeping on each other for about five minutes while I apologized into her hair.    
  
"I'll become someone worthy of your forgiveness,” I said. When she told me that I already was, I cried so hard Shigure ran over to make sure I wasn't going to pass out.

I'm so grateful it feels like a star burning inside of me. I'm so grateful I want to eat my own hands. I love Kisa so much and I'm so sorry for everything I've done to her and to everyone else and I'm so happy that she's giving me a second chance. 

**6/19  
**   
Tohru invited me to a ‘girls night’ at her new house out in the country. I didn’t have the slightest idea what a ‘girl’s night’ was, but it didn’t sound like something I could possibly be part of. I’ve been approaching both femininity and out-family socializing with caution. A ‘girls night’ cranked both concepts up to their maximum volumes. I wasn’t even sure if I qualified. What did being a girl even mean?   
  
At it turned out, Tohru’s idea of the concept was pretty expansive. Ritsu, whose gender identity is apparently in flux, was present. I, who had engaged in few feminine practices until recently, counted too. Rin, whose gender was definitive, was not present, though she’d be going to another party I wasn’t invited to the following week. Fair enough. Kyo, a man, was there because he lived there, and because Tohru couldn’t stand to leave him out of anything ever, after his life as the Zodiac cat. Also fair enough.

Saki and Arisa were there too, and they pounced on me immediately. Arisa wanted to do my makeup, while Saki wanted to paint my nails.    
  
“Black would be ideal,” she said. “But I’ll allow you to choose for yourself, A-chan.”   
  
I left the makeover with dramatic winged eyeliner, black nails, and bright red lipstick. It felt awkward - I'd worn very little makeup in my life, and part of me felt like my mother was about to bust in and scrub it off of my face while screaming. But I liked the drama and the power of the colors they chose, and more than that, I liked their fussing over me. When Kagura shrieked that I looked adorable and insisted on taking my picture, it felt good. I liked inspiring joy instead of fear.    
  
The rest of the night was simple - we ate yakisoba and watched movies until we fell asleep. Tohru, Arisa, and Saki fell asleep in a pile, and while I slept by myself on the couch, it didn't seem impossible that I could someday feel close enough with a friend to do the same. 

**7/2  
**   
Last night, I spent the evening alone. Shigure went out for dinner with Ayame and Hatori, and left me at home. At first, the idea of him abandoning me for his friends made me stomach hurt, but I found myself warming to the idea.    
  
I have never enjoyed my own company. My bond with the Zodiac was excruciating - I could never relax, never think about anything other than what they were doing, how they were feeling, when they would finally come and see me again. At all times, there were thirteen different people all pulling my hair, weighting my limbs with the density of the curse. I was constantly distracted and couldn’t differentiate my own body from theirs. When I was with them, they felt like people, but when I was alone they felt like parasites. You can love a parasite dearly, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t cost you. 

Now that the curse is broken, being alone is just being alone. My body is just my body. Scrawny, sickly, female, alive. My thoughts were just my thoughts - chaotic, centered, miserable or happy, they were mine. Not my Zodiac’s, not my parents’, not my fiance’s. Mine.   
  
I used my alone time to try out a recipe that sounded good to me - chocolate raspberry brownies. As I mixed the ingredients, I listened to the seasonally inappropriate  _ Winter Album  _ by The Brilliant Green, danced around the kitchen and felt my body function for a purpose other than causing me pain. It didn't last long - I had to lay down for a few minutes after  _ I’m So Sorry Baby  _ and could only sort of gently sway to  _ Rainy Days Never Stays,  _ but I wasn’t sorry I did it. 

When Shigure came home, I offered him a brownie. As a dog, he’d never been able to eat chocolate, but since the curse broke those limits no longer applied. Just in case, we both chased the brownies with a cupful of liquid probiotics - and we both enjoyed them thoroughly. He couldn't stop praising my efforts, rubbing my head and calling me ridiculous pet names like Angel and Baby and Little Miss Only-Slightly-Rotten Persimmon.    
  
“Did you miss me while I was gone?” he asked as he reached for his third brownie.    
  
“Not in the slightest," I said, leaning into his chest and shutting my eyes. It was true - I was happy to see him again, but I had enjoyed my own company. 

Truly, I can't think of anything else more worthy of my gratitude. 


End file.
